Mirror, Mirror: Are You the Toxic One and No One’s Told You?

We’ve all heard the stories—the friend with the manipulative ex, the cousin stuck in a one-sided relationship, or the character in a romantic drama who’s clearly being gaslighted. It’s easy to spot red flags when they’re waving in someone else’s direction.

But what if the mirror shifted just a little—not to point fingers, but to invite a moment of quiet reflection?

Sometimes, without even realizing it, we might carry habits or patterns that affect our relationships in ways we never intended. Not because we’re "bad" partners, but simply because we’re human—shaped by past experiences, culture, and sometimes, even the love stories we grew up watching.

Now, if you're thinking, "This probably isn’t me,"—totally fair. But stick with me. This isn’t about blame or guilt. It's not about calling anyone out. It’s about something softer, deeper, and much more valuable: emotional self-awareness.

Because here’s the thing—unhealthy patterns aren’t always loud. They don’t always show up as control or cruelty. Sometimes they’re quiet. Hidden in concern. Wrapped in humor. Woven into the way we express love. And they can exist even in the most caring relationships.

So how do you know if you’re unintentionally contributing to an unhealthy pattern?

Here are a few quiet questions to sit with—not to accuse yourself, but to better understand your role in love.

1. Do You Try to ‘Fix’ Your Partner? We've all watched Kabir Singh unfold—intense passion, but also an overwhelming urge to control and "improve" Preeti. While the film was controversial, it also sparked conversations about love that looks like possession.
   

   Ask yourself: Are you helping your partner grow, or trying to mold them into a version you find more acceptable? Support doesn’t mean sculpting someone into your ideal.

   Love allows room to be, not just to become.
   

2. Do You Say Things "Just Jokingly"—But It Hurts? Sarcasm and teasing are a love language for many of us, but when humor cuts too close to the bone - it stings. . If your partner has ever gone quiet after a “joke,” or said “that wasn’t funny,” pause. Even the softest humor can become a hard truth when it’s misused.
   

3. Do You Keep Score? We often remember every time that we make the effort, every fight we backed down from, every dinner we cooked. However, tallying points builds resentment. Love isn't a competition—unless you're competing to be the kindest.

   If you find yourself silently tracking every effort you make, it might be time to stop and ask: is this partnership becoming a point system?
   

4. Do You Struggle to Apologize Without a 'But'? We've all done it: “I’m sorry, but you also…”Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" might feel safe, but it dodges accountability. Sometimes, just "I'm sorry. I see how that hurt you," is enough. Simply acknowledging the pain can provide space for your partner. It won’t make you small—it makes you safe to love.
   

5. Are You Expecting Them to Read Your Mind? Ever felt disappointed without explaining why? Or upset they didn’t “just know”? It happens to the best of us. Relationships aren’t supposed to be telepathic. If you’re expecting your partner to just know what you need without you saying it, you might be setting them up to fail.

   
   

   If you're upset and your partner has no clue why, ask yourself: have I given them a chance to understand me?

So… What If You See a Bit of Yourself Here?

Take a deep breath. You’re not toxic; you’re human and you’re learning, just like the rest of us. We inherit emotional habits from our families, the society we live in, and sometimes, our past experiences. But reflection is the first act of healing.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress. And it starts with asking: “What kind of love do I give—and is it the kind I’d want to receive?”

And Remember, The Mirror Isn’t Your Enemy

In fairy tales, mirrors show the truth—whether we’re ready or not. In real life, they can help us grow into someone even more compassionate, more self-aware, and more connected.

So if the mirror whispers, “Hey, you might want to look at that,” don’t flinch. Lean in.

Not because you’re toxic. But because you’re human. And humans can heal, change, and love better—when they’re willing to look.

Want to reflect more? 

Try journaling about a recent disagreement and ask yourself:

• What did I really feel?

• What might my partner have felt?

• Is there something I could have done differently?

Sometimes, that simple mirror work is where the healthiest love stories begin.